It came to mind how we find distractions.
People, places, things.
Who do we/What do we use for our leisure, our pleasure, our sedation, our replacement to stay high
Away from the truth or the pain or missing someone or everyday reality
Afraid to feel so we numb
A sip here| A line there | Yet another warm body |
It seems like harmless fun and it is for awhile until the “fun” becomes habitual and repetitive.
When do we say no to ourselves?
As the new year came in, I thought of how many people would be spending their time getting blazed, lit to the skies–To celebrate the now, new year. How many people spend their days and nights staying in a constant state of euphoria, buzz, high? To deal. How many people spend time jumping from person to person, man, woman, or both…in search of a peace they cannot find, because its too difficult to deal with themselves? By themselves. With themselves.
No judgments. My hope is that we finally find a way to deal with what is, what was, and what now. To allow ourselves fun without fake. Happiness without the temporary high. That its no longer about being numb. Its about living a life worth feeling. Being fully present. That hey…maybe its okay to be a little high sometimes. High off life. And maybe an occasional, non-habit forming aid.
I woke up this morning hungry. Then not hungry. I know food was in the kitchen. If I were to eat breakfast, I know exactly what I’d have. Cinnamon oatmeal, one egg, and a big glass of oj. But I didn’t want that so I just drank some water. I realized, I wasn’t hungry for food.
I’ve hungered for many things. Things I subconsciously blocked out. I really thought I was hungry. So I ate. Alot. All the time. For no reason. My stomach didn’t growl. No hunger headache. Just needed a bite or two. At 2 to 3 hour intervals, I was snacking on something. There were times it curbed my hunger. Most times I was left feeling unsatisfied. Not thrilled. Gluttonous. Still empty.
I hungered for life, full life. For love. For consistency within myself. Within my relationships. Family. Friends. Lovers. Hungry for knowledge. For smarts. Not feeling smart enough. Smart anymore because life’s moments & bad choices had left me feeling stupid. I hungered for happiness. A thing that had long ago left my presence my life and I yearned for it. Pleaded for it. Thirsted for it. Cried for it. Prayed for it. It would peep its head in the doorway, smile, and disappear.
I hungered for normalcy. For a leg up. To make sense of the things happening around me. Hungered for reciprocity. Hungered for freedom. Hungered for joy. Hungered for happiness. For harmony. To numb. To erase those bummer feelings.
I had to check myself and understand what it was all about. I was hungry and now I know why. Trimming the fat has a new literal meaning for me. Trimming the emotional & mental baggage. Learning the difference between emotional hunger…mental hunger…spiritual hunger…and physical hunger. Learning the why, the when to & how to feed each. Perhaps knocking off a few lbs in the process.
To the other emotional eaters in this world: Here’s to enjoying your meal. Your actual meal…In front of you. Not the plate of miscellaneous crap in your brain. Bon Appetit!