Numbness

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Don’t know how I feel
I know
It just don’t feel right
Off
All the way fucking off
Nothing is that important anymore
Nothing worth the energy
I just don’t care.

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Video Diary #2 Used To Be Mine

“She’s imperfect but she tries

She is good but she lies…

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone but she used to be mine.”

I remember watching the movie, The Waitress, years ago, which has now been adapted into a play and the soundtrack written by Sara Bareilles. One of my favorite singer/songwriters. The story is about a waitress with a beautiful heart whom everyone loves except the person she loves, her controlling husband. Her love for him overshadows the love for herself. She is better to others than she is to herself. Like those of us who want to see the good in everyone, we hope that the good in us will somehow make the ones we love value us more. She struggles to find her voice as it has been silenced for so long. Through her gift of baking, she realizes her passion, her dreams, and begins to imagine the life she always knew she wanted but never thought she could have.

Sometimes little parts of us die when we go through things but if we can push through hard enough & long enough, we spark the flame that ignites the fire in us. We may be broken for a while. We may lose ourselves for a while. Hopefully, for just a little while.

Seeing the parallels to my own life, I was immediately drawn to this song. Inducing those raindrops that fall only from the eyes. At first listen, it sounded like a love song of love lost and it is. Listening more, I discovered it was a song of losing oneself. The person she used to be. I misplaced the girl I was a long time ago and I miss her almost daily. I see glimpses of her sometimes and get excited. It gives me hope that one day soon she will return even better than before.

Video Diary #1 Would You Still?

If I showed you my flaws

If I couldn’t be stong

Tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?

I’ve had this song playing consistently at random intervals over the last few weeks. Literally everywhere. What message is the universe attempting to relay to me? And it got me to thinking…

Does this type of love still exist? Do these type of people still exist? Rarely are situations perfect. Never are people perfect. With this truth and if perfection was never going to happen but was still the goal, would it make a difference? If they have everything to offer or nothing at the moment, is that enough? Is that person any less worth loving?

Is there unfaltering loyalty these days? Can we depend on another to be there no matter what? To love us when it’s beyond hard. What about when we don’t even love ourselves? Can we say that we’ll have that home we call him or her? Does love now change based on condition? situation? mercury retrograde?

Or are we prone to flee at the first sign of uncomfortableness? A situation we’re not used to, not equipped for: job loss, poverty, illness, addiction, family clashes, etc. Can we push through? Is the bond strong enough?

If we were honest, would we still love the same?

 

I Miss Her Most on Sundays…

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On Sundays…

we would cook our meals. Sharing the space called kitchen.

I, in her way.

Her, in mine.

But we loved it. We had the most genuine smiles

On Sundays…

we prayed through the mornings. Churched it in the afternoon.

Lazy moments spent on the sofa

Provided the best ‘spoons’

The breeze from the patio, the whisp of the ceiling fan

Made life a little more livable and two fools more lovable

On Sundays…

The park called our names, hurried us there…carrying our troubles away

if only for those minute hours

we lay among the flowers, sharing our hopes

Dreams for the future, laughing hysterically

at nothing, at the whole of it all

On Sundays…

The beginning of a new time, the end of another

Sundays were the times we spent together

where the world existed of us. For us. With us. Just us.

where heaven was on land

where I loved her and she me and loving was our plan

Our greatest times, our defining times

were made

On Sundays….

I guess I feel nostalgic

over days that’ve gone & past

Milling over all that was, remembering the good of it and also the bad

I don’t know how she spends those days now

we’ve not spoken in awhile

I miss her still

Though it doesn’t show

I miss her most

On Sundays…

What’s Eating You?

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I woke up this morning hungry. Then not hungry. I know food was in the kitchen. If I were to eat breakfast, I know exactly what I’d have. Cinnamon oatmeal, one egg, and a big glass of oj. But I didn’t want that so I just drank some water. I realized, I wasn’t hungry for food.

I’ve hungered for many things. Things I subconsciously blocked out. I really thought I was hungry. So I ate. Alot. All the time. For no reason. My stomach didn’t growl. No hunger headache. Just needed a bite or two. At 2 to 3 hour intervals, I was snacking on something. There were times it curbed my hunger. Most times I was left feeling unsatisfied. Not thrilled. Gluttonous. Still empty.

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I hungered for life, full life. For love. For consistency within myself. Within my relationships. Family. Friends. Lovers. Hungry for knowledge. For smarts. Not feeling smart enough. Smart anymore because life’s moments & bad choices had left me feeling stupid. I hungered for happiness. A thing that had long ago left my presence my life and I yearned for it. Pleaded for it. Thirsted for it. Cried for it. Prayed for it. It would peep its head in the doorway, smile, and disappear.

I hungered for normalcy. For a leg up. To make sense of the things happening around me. Hungered for reciprocity. Hungered for freedom. Hungered for joy. Hungered for happiness. For harmony. To numb. To erase those bummer feelings.

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I had to check myself and understand what it was all about. I was hungry and now I know why. Trimming the fat has a new literal meaning for me. Trimming the emotional & mental baggage. Learning the difference between emotional hunger…mental hunger…spiritual hunger…and physical hunger. Learning the why, the when to & how to feed each. Perhaps knocking off a few lbs in the process.

To the other emotional eaters in this world: Here’s to enjoying your meal. Your actual meal…In front of you. Not the plate of miscellaneous crap in your brain. Bon Appetit!

When you lose two loves of your life, are you truly expected to be alright? People die.
People leave.
Sometimes you are the one who has to go.
Do you shake that off? Like an accidental stumble on a table end…
Oops, silly me. I’m fine. It wasn’t that bad….
Loss hurts. It lingers long after the initial hurt has happened…

My heart’s still sore.

One would walk into my life only to walk right back out…again…when I needed her most. As I dealt with…

The other losing her battle with cancer. I watched her fast demise. Hating to see her suffer, praying it would go away. Knowing the time would not be long.

It’s been two months. Still, It’s as fresh now as it is then. I suppose one day it’ll be alright.

Just not today.