What’s Eating You?

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I woke up this morning hungry. Then not hungry. I know food was in the kitchen. If I were to eat breakfast, I know exactly what I’d have. Cinnamon oatmeal, one egg, and a big glass of oj. But I didn’t want that so I just drank some water. I realized, I wasn’t hungry for food.

I’ve hungered for many things. Things I subconsciously blocked out. I really thought I was hungry. So I ate. Alot. All the time. For no reason. My stomach didn’t growl. No hunger headache. Just needed a bite or two. At 2 to 3 hour intervals, I was snacking on something. There were times it curbed my hunger. Most times I was left feeling unsatisfied. Not thrilled. Gluttonous. Still empty.

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I hungered for life, full life. For love. For consistency within myself. Within my relationships. Family. Friends. Lovers. Hungry for knowledge. For smarts. Not feeling smart enough. Smart anymore because life’s moments & bad choices had left me feeling stupid. I hungered for happiness. A thing that had long ago left my presence my life and I yearned for it. Pleaded for it. Thirsted for it. Cried for it. Prayed for it. It would peep its head in the doorway, smile, and disappear.

I hungered for normalcy. For a leg up. To make sense of the things happening around me. Hungered for reciprocity. Hungered for freedom. Hungered for joy. Hungered for happiness. For harmony. To numb. To erase those bummer feelings.

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I had to check myself and understand what it was all about. I was hungry and now I know why. Trimming the fat has a new literal meaning for me. Trimming the emotional & mental baggage. Learning the difference between emotional hunger…mental hunger…spiritual hunger…and physical hunger. Learning the why, the when to & how to feed each. Perhaps knocking off a few lbs in the process.

To the other emotional eaters in this world: Here’s to enjoying your meal. Your actual meal…In front of you. Not the plate of miscellaneous crap in your brain. Bon Appetit!

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Who’s Shining That Light In My Eye??

Drawn To...

 

I’m attracted to lights…

Glaring, piercing, shining, sometimes dull low-light but light no less…

Blinding? Sometimes.

Guiding lights? Sometimes.

Light forced through the blackest darkness? Mostly.

Sometimes needing these same lights to get out of the way…blocking my vision

because they can also make it hard to see my own way…

And I need to see my own way.

Asking myself: Should I wear shades?

Nah…

I’d rather see clearly.

I just realized…

I need to write more. Plagued with the “What should I write about? Who wants to read that? I can’t say that. Can I?”

The: “I don’t feel like it. Maybe tomorrow. This week & I’m serious”…then becomes “Before the week is out.” “Crap, I haven’t written anything in 3 weeks!” Followed by self-loathing. As the voice in my head grumbles softly…”And you’re supposed to be writer. Hmph…”

But you know what?

Any good writer worth his or her salt knows that until you’ve experienced writer’s block or a serious case of procrastination, you haven’t even begun to write. That’s the best part. The good shit is coming after that!